美国婆媳也是天生的敌人

经常读到国人写的美国婆媳关系怎样和谐怎样美怎样相敬如宾，不像中国婆媳关系，所以很多人羡慕美国人的简单关系，简单的婆媳关系。呵呵，其实，就像很多美国人对中国的印象还停留在毛的那个年代或是大红灯笼高高挂的年代。

因为没有近距离或零距离的接触了解所以就对对方有些不真实的了解。即使很多生活在美国的华人，他们只和华人交往，虽然他们说英语，在美国人的公司做事，有美国同事，可是除了上班时间和美国人打交道之外，其余都是和中国人打交道，并没有真正的美国朋友，更不要说和美国人零距离交往了。所以他们隔着距离雾里看花的得出一些结论说什么美国人择偶不注重金钱不注重地位，他们只关心兴趣爱好，不看重外表，或美国人很自由，很诚实，父母和子女之间是平等的朋友关系，或是美国的学习很轻松。。。。。太多了，举例不过来了。

在我的博客里我一直坚持我的观点，人性在哪都一样，人情世故都是半斤八两。在美国，婆媳关系也如中国婆媳一样，天生的敌人。婆婆问儿子我和你老婆哪个做的菜更好吃？婆婆不打电话事先预约就直接上门。因为婆婆的干预，夫妻两个闹离婚。。。。有兴趣的朋友自己读下原文吧：

A Mother, a Son and a Wife
Research shows mothers have greater anxiety over their sons marrying than when their daughters marry, and it could be a source of tension for newlyweds. Elizabeth Bernstein joins Lunch Break. Photo: Getty Images.
Jim Brown knew he was in trouble before his mother finished asking the question. "Am I a better cook than your wife?" she asked, calmly stirring a pot on the stove in her kitchen.
With his wife, Joy, standing next to him, Mr. Brown stammered and stuttered. He prayed—"for a trap door to appear," he says. Finally, he did the only thing he could think to do: Tell the truth. "I said that my wife is a better cook," the 50-year-old owner of a Duncanville, Texas, auto-repair shop says.
The fallout? "Biblical," he says. "There was wailing. Gnashing of teeth." Even his wife got mad—telling him that he had been insensitive to his mother.
Sadly, the scene wasn't new to the Browns, who had been married seven years. The strain between his wife and his mother—and his position, stuck in the middle—was taking a toll on all three relationships. His mom criticized his wife for her parenting style and for not getting a job. His wife cried and complained to him. He retreated from both women.
"I am a guy and not that intuitive, and I didn't really understand either one," he says. "My inclination was to go mow the grass." Over the next couple years, the Browns kept trying to make the triangle work—until the conflict reached a crisis point and then took an unexpected turn.
Few family relationships are more fraught than the ones between a mother-in-law and her daughter-in-law, and the man caught between them. It has been fodder for comedy in movies and on TV forever, yet each generation seems to have to learn for itself how to make this triangle work.

Gary William Musgrave
Making It Work: Mothers- and daughters-in-law are often uncertain about their relationship and as a result keep their distance. Experts say one way to break the pattern of conflict is for couples to present a united front.
Mothers really do worry more when sons marry than when daughters marry, according to unpublished research conducted by Sylvia L. Mikucki-Enyart, assistant professor of communication at the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point. She asked 89 mothers-in-law what they worried about most when a child married. Overwhelmingly, when a son married these women reported more uncertainty and insecurity. The insecurity centered on the son's relationship with his parents and nuclear family. Will he visit or call less often? Will he spend holidays with the family?
The mothers also reported worrying about their son's well-being and whether marriage and his wife would change him. Some of their specific concerns: "He's no longer reliable, due to his wife's interference." "His interests have changed dramatically." "Is he eating enough? My daughter-in-law is a bad cook." "Is he happy?"
Dr. Mikucki-Enyart also studied 133 daughters-in-law, eliciting their concerns about the women who raised their husbands. "Is my mother-in-law getting too involved in my life?" "What is her ability to take financial care of herself?" "What does she say about me when I am not around?"
"We expect a daughter-in-law not to like a mother-in-law and to expect her to be meddlesome," says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart. As a result, the two women may tread carefully around each other from the start, reacting defensively and eventually becoming distant. "It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy," she says.
In a way, both mother and wife are competing to nurture the man. Loading the relationship even more is women's traditional role as what researchers call "kin keepers" who maintain the family social calendar, relationships and traditions.
More on Surviving the Family
The Secret Power of the Son-in-Law
Dysfunctional Family Bingo
There is uncertainty on both sides. Mothers- and daughters-in-law are supposed to be family, yet they don't know each other well. What to call each other? How much to share? There is no script.
The uncertainty itself can lead to jealousy, anger or sadness. The more uncertainty there is, the more each woman is likely to keep the other at arm's length. This can destabilize the marriage: When his mother and his wife are battling, a man's self-preservation instinct tells him to hide.
How can families break the pattern? It's really up to the husband/son, Dr. Mikucki-Enyart says. "He needs to step up to the plate," she says. "He has to make his wife his priority and let that be known."
If his mother often drops by unannounced and this bothers his wife, the husband needs to ask his mother to call first. He doesn't need to tell her that it upsets his wife. "A mother is more likely to respond to her son's request than her daughter-in-law's," says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart.
Daughters-in-law can do their part by keeping their mother-in-law involved in the family. Invite them to dinner. Send photos of the children. And pick your battles. "Don't make it a competition," says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart. "You both love this man in completely different ways."
The couple should always present a united front, she says. Remember that you are a team. Don't throw each other under the bus. Parents expect that united front, she says, even though it may be a little hard for them to get used to at first.
The tension between mother- and daughter-in-law started about a year into the Browns' marriage, when Ms. Brown got pregnant and her mother-in-law suddenly seemed to know everything. Ms. Brown tried to politely ignore her mother-in-law, but every once in a while she would tell the older woman she was wrong. Her mother-in-law would cry and storm off, and Ms. Brown would end up apologizing。 "I felt like there was no winning, like we were in a crazy dance," says Ms. Brown, now 45 and a fifth-grade teacher.
So, mostly, Ms. Brown complained to her husband—and, mostly, he did nothing. "It didn't occur to me to contradict my mom," he says.
Making matters worse: Mr. Brown sometimes discussed problems in his marriage with his mom. "She would commiserate, I think, to feel close to me," he says. "And it increased my feelings of being slighted by my wife."
Mr. Brown retreated into work. He and his wife began living parallel lives, and eventually he asked for a divorce. But after they told his mother the news, she seemed to back off. Betty Wade, now 72, says she doesn't remember that her relationship with her daughter-in-law was tense or a factor in the couple's divorce discussion. "Just because he got married didn't make him less my son, but I knew he had to spend his attention on the other lady," she says.
The space gave the couple a chance to work on their relationship. They sought advice from counselors at their church and went to a marriage therapist. They read self-help books and prayed together. And they stayed married. "It was a lot of blood, sweat and tears," Mr. Brown says. "But I had learned to come to grips with the idea that I had to place my priorities with my wife first."
—Write Elizabeth Bernstein at Bonds@wsj.com or follow her column at www.Facebook.com/EBernsteinWSJ.
Corrections & Amplifications
An earlier version of this article stated incorrectly that University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point research found mothers-in-law don't seem to worry much about developing their relationship with their daughters-in-law. It should have stated they didn't report worrying about it.

一个母亲,一个儿子和一个妻子
研究表明,母亲有更大的担忧比当他们的女儿嫁给他们的儿子结婚,而且可以为新婚夫妇关系紧张的根源。伊丽莎白·伯恩斯坦加入午休。照片:盖蒂图片社。
吉姆布朗知道他是在麻烦他母亲问完问题。“我比你的妻子更好的厨师吗?”她问,平静地搅拌着锅在她的厨房里炉子上。
和他的妻子快乐,站在他旁边,布朗先生结结巴巴地说,口吃。他祈祷——“陷阱门出现,”他说。最后,他做了他唯一能想到:说实话。”我说,我的妻子是一个好厨师,”50岁的所有者Duncanville,德克萨斯州的自我修护店说。
的影响吗?“圣经”,他说。“有哀号。切齿的。“即使妻子mad-telling了他时,他对他的母亲。
遗憾的是,现场没有新布朗,谁结婚七年。妻子和他mother-and之间的应变位置,卡在middle-was人数在所有三个关系。他的妈妈批评他的妻子对她的育儿风格和没有得到一份工作。他的妻子哭着向他抱怨。他从两个女人。
“我是一个男人,不是直观的,和我没有真正理解其中任何一个,”他说。“我的倾向是去割草。“在未来几年中,布朗一直试图让三角work-until冲突达到了一个危机点,然后出现了一个意想不到的转折。
一些家庭关系更紧张的婆婆和儿媳之间,以及它们之间的人抓住了。它已经成为喜剧永远在电影和电视中,然而,每一代似乎自己必须学会如何使这三角形的工作。
加里·威廉·马斯格雷夫
使它工作:母亲和媳妇往往是不确定的关系,因此保持距离。专家说打破冲突的模式的一个方法是为情侣提供一个统一战线。
母亲真的担心更多的儿子结婚时女儿结婚后,根据未发表的研究由西尔维娅l . Mikucki-Enyart通信大学的助理教授Wisconsin-Stevens点。89年她问婆婆他们最担心的孩子结婚。压倒性的,当一个儿子结婚这些女性更多的不确定性和不安全感。不集中在儿子与父母和核心家庭的关系。他将访问或叫少?他会与家人度过假期吗?
母亲也担心儿子的幸福和婚姻和他的妻子是否会改变他。他们的一些具体的事项:“他不再是可靠的,由于他妻子的干扰。”“他的兴趣有了显着的变化。”“他是吃饱了吗?我的儿媳是一个糟糕的厨师。”“他快乐吗?”
Mikucki-Enyart博士也研究了133个媳妇,诱发他们的担忧了丈夫的女人。“是我婆婆太介入我的生活?”“她照顾财务自己的能力是什么?”“她说我当我不?”
“我们预计媳妇不喜欢婆婆,期待她的爱管闲事的,“Mikucki-Enyart博士说。结果,两个女人可能小心对方从一开始,反应的防守,最终变得遥远。“这成为一个自我实现的预言”,她说。
在某种程度上,母亲和妻子都是培养的人竞争。加载更多的是女性的传统角色的关系作为研究人员所说的“亲属饲养员”,维护家庭社交日历,和传统的关系。
幸存的家庭
秘密的女婿
家庭功能失调的宾果
双方都有不确定性。母亲和媳妇应该是家庭,但他们彼此不太了解。如何称呼对方?分享多少?没有脚本。
不确定性本身会导致嫉妒丶愤怒或悲伤。越有不确定性,每个女人可能会让另一只手臂的距离。这可能破坏婚姻:当他的母亲和他的妻子正在,男人的本能告诉他隐藏。
家庭如何打破这个模式吗?真到丈夫和儿子,Mikucki-Enyart博士说。“他需要开始行动,”她说。“他让他的妻子他的优先级,让被人知道的。”
如果他的母亲经常突然下降,这困扰他的妻子,丈夫需要先问一下他的母亲打电话给。他不需要告诉她,这会让他的妻子。”一位母亲更有可能对她的儿子的要求比她的儿媳,“Mikucki-Enyart博士说。
媳妇能做他们保留自己的婆婆参与家庭。邀请他们共进晚餐。送孩子们的照片。选择你的战斗。“别让它竞争,”Mikucki-Enyart博士说。“你们都爱这个男人的方式完全不同。”
这对夫妇应该呈现一个统一战线,她说。请记住,你们是一个团队。不要把对方下公共汽车。父母希望统一战线,她说,尽管他们可能有点困难去适应。
妈妈和媳妇之间的紧张关系开始大约一年布朗的婚姻,当布朗女士怀孕,婆婆突然似乎什么都知道。布朗女士试图礼貌地忽略她的婆婆,但每隔一段时间她会告诉老太太她错了。婆婆会哭和风暴,布朗女士最终将道歉。“我觉得没有赢,就像我们在一个疯狂的跳舞,”布朗女士说,现年45岁,一个五年级的老师。
主要是,布朗女士向她抱怨husband-and,主要是,他什么也没做。“这没有发生我反驳妈妈,”他说。
更糟的是:布朗先生有时与他的妈妈在他的婚姻问题的讨论。“她会同情,我认为,感觉离我很近,”他说。”,这增加了我的感觉被轻视我的妻子。”
布朗先生进入了工作。他和他的妻子开始生活的平行生命,最终他要求离婚。但他们告诉他母亲的消息后,她似乎后退。贝蒂韦德,现在72年,说她不记得她和儿媳之间的关系很紧张或夫妇的离婚的一个因素的讨论。“仅仅因为他结婚不让他少了我的儿子,但我知道他不得不把他的注意力在其他夫人,”她说。
空间给这对夫妇一个机会来处理他们之间的关系。他们向顾问寻求建议教会去婚姻治疗师。他们阅读自助书籍,一起祷告。和他们住结婚了。“这是一个很多鲜血,汗水和眼泪,”布朗先生说。“但是我已经学会了面对,我将优先先和我的妻子。”
-Write伊丽莎白·伯恩斯坦在Bonds@wsj.com或跟着她列在www.Facebook.com/EBernsteinWSJ。
修正和方式
这篇文章的早期版本声明错误Wisconsin-Stevens点大学的研究发现婆婆似乎并不担心会发展他们的关系与他们的媳妇。应该说他们没有报告担心它。


来源：网络